Tag Archive: Ti


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I shall

For I have no choice

Always watched, swathed in Grandma’s

Warm worn hands wrapped on my youthful face

Cold wrinkly fingers in my hand over the cotton of her last bed.

The guardian angel over my shoulder taking me to paths unknown,

paths never asked for because I never thought I was worthy of them,

I know you did put him in my way, for that I smile

Even happy I would still like you back

He’s the perfect mirror, same yet totally different.

Swimmingly good is the boat ride, very surprising.

Summer day is one smile, coldest of winter the nights spent embraced.

Very strange but needed is being apart, like having freedom to breathe in and expel.

Clarity of mind, thoughtfulness, worry, affection.

Things much truer now than before.

This in my life is something that sings a tune always emulated maybe, but never truly wanted.

A change of heart, a gust of wind, snowflake, icy air.

I shall love you, for you have given me no choice.

Humming away while someone among the stars smiles softly.

Forget-me-not.

And then…who are you to disturb the waters?

Shadows in the summer while you bathe in the sun.

So much has changed in a year, I can barely wrap my head around it.

A late afternoon, a medium climb at steady speed.

Sadness underlying my breath.

Hot asphalt, blue July sky.

Thirst for water and there you were.

I didn’t want to talk so I didn’t stop…I have to give you  praise you just wanted to (smile)

And from there to now.

What the hell, I don’t trust your knowing instincts so far in time…

Still time is a strange thing.

Time took me here with you, without her and without him.

A place I don’t know in the sun.

It burns, fiend.

I’m still waiting for the end while the road goes ever on under the sun.

Pubblicità

Un mese esatto fa ho deviato lo schema della mia vita, per noia, per spinta esterna magari.

Il lavoro a causa del corona virus sta di nuovo scemando (anche se prevedo che con il nuovo lockdown alle porte arriveremo ai livelli folli di Marzo).

Fatto rimane che ho preso una scelta senza pensare, spinta più dal desiderio inconscio di cambiare.

Da quella scelta ingenua arriviamo qui, adesso.

Ho conosciuto M. ed in quel momento – senza che avessi potuto prevederlo o sentirlo a pelle – la mia sfera si è fermata e poi ha ricominciato a girare, nella direzione contraria!

Ho trovato di fronte a me un doppio…uno specchio maschile che riesce a farmi ridere, mi da del filo da torcere e risulta assolutamente imprevedibile.

Oggi ci pensavo…e complice che sto rileggendo ASTTL con Linds e Michelle, ho rivisto molta energia di quei dialoghi nei nostri.

Viviamo in una costante sfida di dominanza che entrambi non spingiamo troppo, siamo cerebrali come pochi, ridiamo come deficienti x le cose più assurde alle 3 del mattino.

E siamo capaci di passare due ore a giocare a scacchi xD

Ovviamente questo è l’inizio…lenti a cuore e nuvolette rosa…chissà cosa verrà poi…

Una rivoluzione inversa attorno al sole.

E se avessi trovato Linds anch’io?

Have you ever had a night you felt completely lonely even if surrounded by people?

I did, many times.

I still yet have occasionally.

I do feel it now.

Laughter is loud, beer glasses clinking like tiny bells.

Ti’s hand on my shoulder while he talks with some colleague, highly amused about something.

A football match just an hour from starting.

Me nauseous over the fare….

Oh well…I could always fake something up if need arises 😒

wavelette:

wavelette:

wavelette:

like, the most compelling ships for me always stem out of one thing: the characters have a profound, ongoing effect on each other’s senses of selves. when they are apart, the characters’ actions are still affected by each other. the way they approach the world changes because of the other.

which is this deeply Austenian view of ideal romantic relationships as mechanisms by which we come to know ourselves better and become better versions of ourselves. good romance, for me, is always tied in with a sense of self-actualization, and the way in which a beloved partner allows a person to know themselves better.

ok and

this includes #problematic ships. to bastardize a flannery o’connor quote, love changes you, and change is violent. especially when things challenge our sense of self. characters lash out, project, run away—will do anything so that they won’t face their core inner self. and real intimacy is this precious gift where people can actually confront that self with another person who will say “i love you still.”

morally bad characters who attempt to change are compelling, because it reflects the psychic violence we carry with us and our attempts to heal from that. so-called redemption narrative are almost always, in actuality, healing narratives. the idea that we could heal from the violence we have done to others and to ourselves is powerful.

further unasked for thoughts

this kind of romantic ideal lends itself to dramatizing infatuation in a way that i find satisfying–it gives meaning to a powerful experience (one that i personally *hated* every time i experienced it) that’s outside your control. we don’t have feelings; feelings have us. but this idea that something good comes from that overwhelming wave of longing, or that we can turn it into something good: that’s the power. that’s reclaiming ourselves in the throes of infatuation

This!

5056

I’ve been a hermit lately.

Abhorring going out.

Sleeping without dreaming but not at night.

Cycling three times a week and getting my legs back, muscled and mean.

Reading until 2 in the morning.

Watching nothing in particular.

Silence on the inside, smile on the outside even when I don’t feel like it.

Ti doesn’t like it.

He’s trying to engage me in talking about it but I really have nothing to say.

I’m sorry. I keep saying.

My mind is elsewhere, where there’s nothing to see.

So he started to hold me, silent.

The warmth soothes me and I fall asleep most of the time.

Still I see nothing, gazing into the abyss right where I shouldn’t look.

Sound of money

Quando inizi Luglio con il botto significa che se ti spacchi dal mattino alla sera c’è un motivo…e sai perfettamente cosa stai facendo. 💲💲💲

Ti is right… don’t get ready STAY READY and literally kick ass…

Ti open that champagne bottle…I hit the jackpot! 🎰

  1. He always wakes up before me in the mornings;
  2. His ties take two entire drawers of his walk-in wardrobe;
  3. He usually eats breakfast without seeing it, literally. (Newspaper lover)
  4. Tends to smoke cigars to relax in the evening;
  5. Doesn’t like to change lightbulbs;
  6. He wears reading glasses in bed and he never wears pajamas;
  7. Spinach is not his favourite;
  8. Uncanny ability to know if his train will be late;
  9. Drinks tea with milk and no sugar;
  10. Never without a handkerchief;
  11. ‘Don’t get ready. STAY ready for anything life throws at you’;
  12. Grumbles when I forget to eat;
  13. Grumbles even more when I don’t stay for the night;
  14. His suits are the stuff of legend (and my red light dreams 😍);
  15. He hums while he shaves, mainly classics;
  16. Patient but dry when provoked, it’s very hard to make him tick;
  17. Never touch his collection of cuff links;
  18. Doesn’t like Chevrolet Darling;
  19. He swears in German, he makes love in French;
  20. Has a penchant for cherry almond flavored tobacco;
  21. He never looks at himself in the mirror before going out;
  22. He doesn’t believe in superstition;
  23. He believes in destiny;
  24. Business shark and at times a cuddly teddy bear;
  25. Mumbles incoherently when sleepy;
  26. He keeps the cigarettes case next to his heart;
  27. Obsessed with the motto ‘Dress to impress’;
  28. Sweet tooth for coffee candy;
  29. His laugh starts from the belly;
  30. Walking antiques Encyclopedia Unita;

And finally…

The first epithets.

He says I’m a ‘Practical chaos-finder dreaming chit’.

I say he’s an ‘Art deco middle aged bastard’.

The limitless ways of affection… 💞☕🥃

Hell yes!

30 Novembre 1.50 a.m.

6 Maggio 11.08 a.m.

63 mail non lette al 3 Marzo.

267 chiamate non risposte (di cui 57 l’8 Marzo, all’inizio del lockdown).

I numeri sono questi.

Quindi ora.

Strangers passing in the street
By chance two separate glances meet
And I am you
And what I see is me

Il caso lo ha voluto, perché non ti ho cercato Ti.

Ma ti ho pensato, perché maledizione non sei un ragazzino ed ero preoccupata, anche se hai il fisico di un bisonte.

Ci siamo riconosciuti solo con gli occhi, nonostante le mascherine.

Credo di aver avuto la stessa tua espressione ma non riesco ad immaginarla sul mio viso.

And no one calls us to move on
And no one forces down our eyes
No one speaks and no one tries
No one flies around the sun

Rewind.

Ti ho rivisto come il primo giorno che ho posato gli occhi su di te.

La volta che ho avuto un attacco di panico e mi hai offerto la colazione.

I tuoi occhi che cercavano di forare la corazza sempre di più.

Quando mi sono arresa all’evidenza e ti ho lasciato entrare.

Ogni sera.

Ogni notte.

Ogni mattina.

Ogni giorno.

Cloudless every day you fall
Upon my waking eyes
Inviting and inciting me to rise
And through the window in the wall
Come streaming in on sunlight wings
A million bright ambassadors of morning

Quindi vedo ancora quella notte.

L’orologio francese nel tuo ingresso curiosamente fermo.

Tu e lei a scandire il tempo mentre vi guardavo.

La copia delle mie chiavi sul tavolino, accanto all’orologio e la porta che si chiudeva dietro le mie spalle.

Non ricordo niente di quella notte oltre la strada.

And no one sings me lullabies
And no one makes me close my eyes

Quindi il ritorno dai miei, le feste, il nulla.

Le notti passate con gli occhi aperti a fissare il soffitto della mia stanza.

Le ore sulla Mountain bike, per salire e provare a me stessa che respiravo comunque e la vita continuava.

Quindi la prova che niente è per sempre, nemmeno qui.

Il lockdown subito dopo, l’arrivo della Primavera senza poterla vivere.

Pensieri devastanti in realtà frustrante, musica caotica che mi salva ancora mentre invecchio.

So I throw the windows wide
And call to you across the sky

Tutto questo ritrovato oggi.

Subito pensavo che gli occhiali si fossero bagnati con la pioggia.

La gola mi si è chiusa, ho strizzato gli occhi nello sforzo di smetterla, il labbro morso dietro la mascherina.

Per la prima volta nella mia vita non sono riuscita a fermare il dentro.

Mi ha fatto rabbia, e tanto bene.

You were still there, you didn’t vanish as others did.

No laughter over my weakness, nothing more than your eyes over me.

You couldn’t know a tenth of the last six months, still your eyes closer.

They haven’t changed.

And at last I am found were I didn’t know I could be again.

Quintessential silence, stardust merging into nebulae.

Scared but not budging from here.

Daylight streaming in while you sleep.

And I feel a fool, a lovesick puppy kicked too many times.

And also loved, and other things I don’t seem to get fully even if I strain to hear.

I’ll let you rest while some insignificant words find my mouth.

4859

I hate him.
No, you don’t get it…
I hate him.
I’m talking about Ti, obviously.
After a 3 week long reprieve where I didn’t hear a peep from him or saw him…boom…
Dressed to the nines, sleek and a look that could cut my dress in ribbons.
Eyes cold and no emotions apart from a little smile that actually set my blood to boiling point in five sec.
It’s a miracle I kept my cool for the entirety of the evening, I don’t even know how I didn’t jump his bones.
Past all that happened I missed him, I have to admit it and my fetish for well cut suits is NOT helping.
And me…and my belief he was done with his shenanigans…
He asked me to dinner on Friday.
I said yes.
Shit…

I am a young woman, I couldn’t resist! (How many more times Plant’s quote…)

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